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ALUBUQUERQUE JOURNAL Friday, Nov 12, 1982
There's Excitement in the Tar Pits of Prehistoric New Mexico
Jim Arnholz

            Breaking ground for a museum of natural history may seem like the first tangible step in building a home for dinosaurs, but it isn't. Before you house dinosaurs, you need dinosaurs to house. I have obtained a partial list of the first dinosaurs to be housed in the New Mexico Musuem of Natural History.

            Santa Feus Horrilibus - The museum has had the good fortune to obtain the only remaining artifact from Horrilibus' predecessor - Santa Feus Originalus - a partial adobe brick found by a dentist while he was tiling his hot tub. During the Pre-condo Period, Santa Feus was a bustling community made up of unpretentious people who drove Fords and Chevys. In a relatively short period of time, however, Originalus  was financed into extinction. Post-Condo Period artifacts include small gold spoons and overpriced pottery shards. A special attraction is the Post-Condo humaniod skull clearly showing the retarded denal growth resulting from an almost exclusive diet of quiche and tofu. (It is believed that when hens weren't laying and quiche was unavailable it was common to send out parties of four or more ____s calling ahead for reservations-to gather wa______ and fern sandwiches).
Sant Feus Lookus - Carbon dating puts this evolutionary aberration in the Great Designer Age when humans in the Cro-Chic stage settles in what is now known as the Eastern United States. Cro-Chic Man (and Woman) were primarily known as stocks and bonds gatherers who displayed an unflagging propensity for trying to be something they weren't. The era is marked by two impotant developments: (1) Polyester outer wear made to look like animal skins; and (2) feigned understanding of what Willie Nelson's songs really meant.

            Dirtius candius - Archeaologists place this off-shoot of the Neo-Right Era in the Nothing Is Funnt stage. Small groups knowns as Saintly smirkus, fearing that ribald sweets would mean the destrustion of entire communities and the return of Peeking Man, brought undue attention upon the makers of Dirtius candius,  thereby insuring a quantum leap in sales and much television exposure.

(Museum Visitor Note: You must be 21 to enter this exhibit hall. Do not touch the candy. Dirtius candius replicas are available in the rear room of the Museum Gift Shoppe. Assistance will be availale from the museum guide wearing a trench coat.)

            Dirtius bookus - A distant relative of Dirtius candius but read, not eaten. Preceding Dirtius bookus was the Idea rex Age, a time of free expression. However, a nomadic tribe consisting of a particularly virulent strain of Staightus narrowus became dominant and brought the sudden demise of Idea rex. The museum is making every effort to obtain the artifact that highlighted this period, i.e., the 489th printing of "Lassie, Come Home."

            New Mexicus Discoverus - It is unclear when this dinosaur emerged or disappeared, but popular scientific opinion puts it somewhere near the Santa Feus Lookus period. The age was marked by primitive reproductions of Esquire Man flipping the pages of backdated People magazines. It is belived the New Mexicus Discoverus  period is directly linked to the extinction of Santa Feus Originalus.

            Lobogateus - Lobogateus, a predator of insatiable appetite, is a descendant of Watergateus, Koreagateus, Lancegateus and almost anything else belonging to the gateus family of media feeders. The period is easily identified by the dominance of short, fat men who fed, clothed, cheated for and utterly adored tall, thin men who the short, fat men would have given anything in the world to be. Artifacts obtained by the museum include grade transcripts, wiretaps and an Oldsmobile Cutlass.

            Museum officials' excitement about these rare discoveries is tempered somewhat with the irony of not being able to secure a single specimen of the state's most prolific dinosaur, Politicus officus holderus. A blue-ribbon panel is studying the possibility of adding a new wing - Living Fossils - to the museum.